The money situation is getting better but it’s still hard.  Sometimes I think about how things used to be.  When I was living with Mom I had excess cash and bills were getting paid on time.  I was still stupid and racked up the credit card debt from college even though I knew better. 

I could have prevented all of this with a little discipline.  Discipline I chose not to have.  It was too nice to be able to buy what I wanted when I wanted it.  Now I regret that.  It’s one of my biggest problems with myself.  I have severe buyers remorse.  My buyers remorse is a smack in the face because when I get depressed I spend money I don’t have.  You can’t spend it if you don’t have it but I’d spend it anyway then get depressed BECAUSE I spent it.

It’s a vicious cycle.  This is the story of my life.

I’m kind of jumping around, I know, I’m sorry, it’s just spilling out.  I will go deeper at some other point in time, as it doesn’t seem these feelings are going away any time soon.

J (we’ll call her Apple from now on as it’s kind of become her nickname in PE–Suicide Apple Shampoo–I love it!) is awesome, we’ve had some lows in the short time we’ve known each other but she makes me happier than I’ve ever been.  What relationship doesn’t have it’s quirks?  It’s normal, and we talk it out, just about every time.  Which is AWESOME.  It keeps the stress level of the relationship at an absolute minimum which is what we are both looking for.

It’s been a lot less tense since SHE got her crap out of my place.  It’s a shame it took what it did for her to get her stuff, but it seems that the snowball that was triggered by my explosion of temper that day has helped my family realize that she’s two faced and a compulsive liar.  How can you lie to my family about things relating to me?  That doesn’t make any sense.  They’ve known me for 23 years, and when you’re telling them stuff about me when they’ve already seen the opposite from you, it proves to them you lie. You lie so much you forget what you’ve lied about.  They know your sister lies.  And that’s another thing.  She needs to step off.  This is YOUR problem, not hers.  Fight your own battles, your family has no right to say anything about any of it.  You created this bed of nails.  It’s time for you to lie in it and feel the nails penetrate your skin.  They can’t stop the pain you’ve caused yourself.

Apple and I have been partaking in one of the only things I’ve ever felt compelled to do lately.  We’ve been outdoors a lot, hiking just about every other weekend.  I’ve always wanted to be with someone who shared the same passion for nature that I do.  Perhaps nature is the only constant that I believe in.  Ever changing but ever the same.  It’s so alive, yet changes so much so quickly.  We went to High Rocks in Ralph Stover National Park a couple of weeks ago and hiked down the side of the mountain to the river and just sat on the rocks.  It was so nice to be there with her.  For a few minutes everything was at peace.  I pondered where the water had been and where it was going and what it would do when it got there.  Billions of water molecules just flowing from point A to infinity.  It was peaceful.  I was happy.  We were happy.

It’s been an awkward spring where just about every weekend we’ve had was rained out or Apple’s been working but it’s okay by me.  We go out when she gets home or in the morning before she goes to work.  It works well.

It seems like most bloggers just blurb every few days but I get to a point where I write a chapter to the story of my life.  I hope it’s acceptable to the four people who read this.  If not, sorry.

More later.

Goodbye 100 bucks!

At least my insurance company covers glass, which was a very pleasant surprise. Vandalism sucks, but the $628 dollar bill would have sucked even more had they not covered it…

Cathy seems to have moved on, which is a blessing, and a curse at the same time. I’m happy it’s over but my heart still aches that I got used like I did. The problem is that I let myself get used…and it was okay…even though it sucked so badly. Now that Justine is in my life, I can honestly say that I’m happier now than I’ve been in years, if not the happiest I’ve been EVER. She warms my heart, knows just what to say, knows how to make me laugh when I can’t even smile.

The distance between us, which I thought might be a problem, is most likely the best thing for us to explore what kind of relationship we can and will inevitably have. It allows us to strengthen the connection of the mind, body, and soul, without the sexual connection. Anybody can have sex, not everybody can connect on that upper plain that creates that eternal relationship between minds. Once the mind accepts another inside, it’s easier for the heart to know for sure what feelings are truly overwhelming. And when both the mind and the body are in sync, the soul follows closely behind, naturally.

I’ve started playing with the body’s natural energy again, which is something I never thought I would do again, but Justine, without her even knowing it, has reminded me of what used to make me undeniably happy.

Let’s just get passed Him, as we’re both ready to move on, and He can’t let go, even though She has made it clear through the official channels of the court system, that this needs to stop. It’s getting potentially violent.

Haven’t logged into Entropia in over a week. Not that I’m abandoning the game, there’s just been some other things that have my interest at the moment, and endless skilling on Exo’s and Snable’s in Club Neverdie, isn’t at the top of my list.

She drools when I play Half Life 2 (one of her favorites) because she’s never seen it the right way. 19 inch widescreen, DVI, at uber res, with all options pumped. It’s purdy lol

Packed up Cathy’s shit last night. Little harder than I had thought it would be, but I found out some interesting information and confirmed it last night. Word on the street is that Teh E had some harrasing phone calls and email’s after my last communication with her about Zie. Cathy also says that she ran into Teh E all the time and like had it out with her 3 or 4 times during the last year. Teh E says she hasn’t heard from Cathy directly in over a year. The question is, which liar is lying. Teh E has absolutely no reason to lie anymore. She’s been out of my life for almost 18 months. The last time I talked to her was when she emailed me saying congrats on the baby and if I needed anything she’d be there. So why would that liar lie? There’s no reason in my eyes. Cathy denies it all.

Well, I found Teh E’s email address in her top drawer last night while clearing her stuff.

If that’s not confirmation enough as to who’s lying, I don’t know what is. I’d thought of her better than that. Which makes this decision I’ve made even easier for me to accept. I never wanted this for Zie though. I hate the conditions she’s living in but it’s for the best I guess.

Until next time. Do anything that I would do.

P.S. Justine is coming over this afternoon! YAY!

Since my last post, I’ve talked to Justine every night until the wee hours in the morning, hung out with her again, and had a confrontation with her ex, Cathy has found out about Justine, and has already started talking some other guy, I flew up to Club Neverdie in Project Entropia, and somehow fit Christmas in there as well.

Justine is simply awesome. I’m totally digging her. She is an eerie parallel to how I perceive myself and I think it’s awesome. I’m trying to watch my P’s and Q’s because I don’t want to mess this up. I can see myself being very happy with her for a very long time. I don’t believe I’ve felt this way before.