It’s summer and my car hasn’t operated correctly since October. It’s a simple fix but I’ve been in such a funk since I turned 23 I don’t know what to do sometimes.
The money situation is getting better but it’s still hard. Sometimes I think about how things used to be. When I was living with Mom I had excess cash and bills were getting paid on time. I was still stupid and racked up the credit card debt from college even though I knew better.
I could have prevented all of this with a little discipline. Discipline I chose not to have. It was too nice to be able to buy what I wanted when I wanted it. Now I regret that. It’s one of my biggest problems with myself. I have severe buyers remorse. My buyers remorse is a smack in the face because when I get depressed I spend money I don’t have. You can’t spend it if you don’t have it but I’d spend it anyway then get depressed BECAUSE I spent it.
It’s a vicious cycle. This is the story of my life.
I’m kind of jumping around, I know, I’m sorry, it’s just spilling out. I will go deeper at some other point in time, as it doesn’t seem these feelings are going away any time soon.
J (we’ll call her Apple from now on as it’s kind of become her nickname in PE–Suicide Apple Shampoo–I love it!) is awesome, we’ve had some lows in the short time we’ve known each other but she makes me happier than I’ve ever been. What relationship doesn’t have it’s quirks? It’s normal, and we talk it out, just about every time. Which is AWESOME. It keeps the stress level of the relationship at an absolute minimum which is what we are both looking for.
It’s been a lot less tense since SHE got her crap out of my place. It’s a shame it took what it did for her to get her stuff, but it seems that the snowball that was triggered by my explosion of temper that day has helped my family realize that she’s two faced and a compulsive liar. How can you lie to my family about things relating to me? That doesn’t make any sense. They’ve known me for 23 years, and when you’re telling them stuff about me when they’ve already seen the opposite from you, it proves to them you lie. You lie so much you forget what you’ve lied about. They know your sister lies. And that’s another thing. She needs to step off. This is YOUR problem, not hers. Fight your own battles, your family has no right to say anything about any of it. You created this bed of nails. It’s time for you to lie in it and feel the nails penetrate your skin. They can’t stop the pain you’ve caused yourself.
Apple and I have been partaking in one of the only things I’ve ever felt compelled to do lately. We’ve been outdoors a lot, hiking just about every other weekend. I’ve always wanted to be with someone who shared the same passion for nature that I do. Perhaps nature is the only constant that I believe in. Ever changing but ever the same. It’s so alive, yet changes so much so quickly. We went to High Rocks in Ralph Stover National Park a couple of weeks ago and hiked down the side of the mountain to the river and just sat on the rocks. It was so nice to be there with her. For a few minutes everything was at peace. I pondered where the water had been and where it was going and what it would do when it got there. Billions of water molecules just flowing from point A to infinity. It was peaceful. I was happy. We were happy.
It’s been an awkward spring where just about every weekend we’ve had was rained out or Apple’s been working but it’s okay by me. We go out when she gets home or in the morning before she goes to work. It works well.
It seems like most bloggers just blurb every few days but I get to a point where I write a chapter to the story of my life. I hope it’s acceptable to the four people who read this. If not, sorry.
More later.
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